This isn't good. :( Somebody please help me :(

I know myself very well. I don't know what to do now. I wanna quit. I wanna let go of everything I have. I don't trust myself anymore. :( It hurts so much eh. To smile.. to laugh.. when deep down inside you're dying. :( I've thought a lot of times of giving up on my long awaited dream that suddenly came true, but now I'm thinking of letting it go. What do I do? Somebody please help me. :( What bothers me is that, I long so much for the Lord but  haven't made any effort of getting closer to Him. :( I've always kept my distance from people.. It may not seem like it but I really do. I always play safe. I always stay away from people whom I think might eventually hurt me someday, somehow. :-/ I'm so confuuuuused. I just wanna cry it out. I wanna shout! I wanna run and run and run and never come back. :( but I have to. I love my life right now.  I'm not regretting anything in the past. But there're just times when you wanna let go.. It's like.. I wanna start over. I want to not experience difficulties. Yes this is normal. In life, it's not always smooth-sailing. But.. it's just so hard. Too hard for me. I can't go on like this. :( Under the blue sky, I wanna run and run and never look back. :( This is probably the most emotional blog post I've written. :(